New-age Parenting Gifts

"It's from the We Experience Parenthood More Fully Than You collection."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Mom probably wouldn't buy us one, but you have to learn to make your own choices, Dad."

Next gen pregnancy tests.

"He just said his first word!"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

'Do you have any books on controlling little monsters?'

"Time for bed, guys."

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"I hate 2:00 am feedings."

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"We sing her to sleep with songs about recycling."

"With the baby-cam, there is no privacy."

"Now, Mrs. Stevens, go to work, relax, and leave the social engineering to us."

'I'm sorry young lady, but you're not old enough to be free range!'

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"They're a very hi-tech family. Apparently, even their baby was cordless."

To prevent Christmas git opening from being over in a flash, the Wagner kids were required to use only their feet.

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

'Jimmy made his first blog post today.'

"I had a lot more freedom before mom got the drone."

"I was hoping her first sentence would be, 'I love you, mommy.' Not, 'what's the Wi-Fi password?'"

"I'm looking for a book on how to raise kids easily, but I can't seem to find it anywhere..."

'You're grounded... not you, the drone.'

"One day, son, all this anxiety will be yours."

'We'd like to christen him 2GR4T7VXS35. That way it'll be easier for him to get his own web domain name when he's older.'

Big book of memes

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

'This pacifier looks like a cell phone to make the inevitable transition that much easier.'

Meals on Heels.

"And we're just so proud you're walking to school alone. Aren't we, Harold?"

"You're leaving?" "Yeah, today's kids are so demanding so I've decided to move to a gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free, sugar-free neighborhood."