Neighborhood Newsie Gifts

"Doris is ill today, so I'll be manning the News Desk."

“Sweet mother of Marmaduke... no!”

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Henderson always walks away with the neighborhood pumpkin carving contest.'

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

'Do you realize he barked all last night?'

"I said 'neighborhood watch'; they said 'peeping Tom.' "

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

The Consequences of an Interrupted Shower.

'Looks like housing starts are up.'

Come on, honey. The neighborhood potlucks are fun. Fun?! Everyone brings something simple. Totally stress-free. Ha! Last year you made lemon-stuffed slow roasted sea bass with guacamole cilantro chutney. I won't do that again! Guacamole is over. Avocado grapefruit coulis will work.

"So does George still enjoy his woodworking?"

'Honey, it's not the Feds. It's the pseudo-feds.'

The Life of a Sentient Rock

It was a nice neighborhood untill the A-holes moved in.

"I walk into their yard every few days and knock over their trash. How do you know the Johnsons?"

Interrupted Shower.

'He says he's training to be a world champion weightlifter - With a knife and fork.'

'Bloody Joneses! Just because we've put in a new fishpond...'

"... And in other news: Still no truce at 75 Greene Street, apartment 3F."

'Oh great. The neighbors are worming their way into another BBQ.'

"Things have gotten bad here. There's talk of a war with another gated community."

'And this is Mario Batali. Of course, he's not the Mario Batali.'

'It's the fellow in 9B.'

"Yes, Frank's a slob, Mary...but I doubt that's why aliens haven't used your landing pad!"

'We bought thinking we'd enjoy being only a stone's throw from the playground.'

"Steve and Sue, clean up after your mutt or else!"

"You got another letter from the neighborhood association..."

"What do you think our husbands talk about when they're down the pub?"

'Can Spot come out and play?'

The woman next door bought a coat exactly like mine!

'You should see what they're doing next door - it's disgusting,'

'Everybody go home now - or I'll speak this party in nothing but my granny panties.'

"I've never known anyone as nosey as you."

'Is your sore throat stopping you from keeping up with the neighbourhood barking frenzy? Try Auto-bark! It will mimic your bark to keep up with the big dogs, long after you've stopped.'