Navigating Marriage Pillows

"It's time to bring in the wax begonias and your mother."

"But honey. . . he's just not our kind!"

Cricketer goes for marriage guidance

'We don't text anymore.'

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

'Last week I got a lovely watch for my wife!'

'The only thing we have in common is that we're in love with the same woman.'

Cyber Fight

'Happy anniversary! It's a season pass for us to go to marriage counseling.'

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

"O.K., class, next we'll pound out the dough until that ungrateful, self-centered son of a bitch realizes he's not the center of the world, and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't deserve an attractive, well-educated woman with a wonderful sense of humor."

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."

'Inform him I dislike it when he uses the dog to communicate.'

'Jeremy, why can't we talk instead of you bottling things up all the time?'

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"When we have fun, we really have fun."

"There's no other woman! That's whale you smell!"

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

"Baldo! Pick him up!"

'Share your innermost feelings or the remote gets it.'

"The end of my wife's rope is near"

"Are you trying to tell me something, dearest?"

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

"Death, death, death! That's all he ever talks about!"

'She hates to see me happy.'

"I was TOO listening. I just wasn't caring."

'The Morning after the bridge night before.'

"It's probably bad news if she refers to the second date as 'mission creep.' "

"I'm sorry, dear, but you knew I was a bureaucrat when you married me."

"I only found out about it on our, 'honey full moon'!"

'My wife ran off with my best friend...I really miss him.'