Navigating Infidelity Pillows

'Right, how can I help you?'

"My wife can't make it tonight, she's on a date."

'I do still love you, Morton, but there's a subtext.'

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

"Better get two dozen. She won't be able to hit you as hard with both arms full."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"My dad was too much of a babe magnet for the marriage to have worked."

"It's time to bring in the wax begonias and your mother."

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

"Your husband is fooling around."

"You may not like what I've dug out, but you did ask me to snoop into your husband!"

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

"Hold it right there buster! Is that a wedding ring I can see?"

'Now, I'm curious as to why there would be blonde hair in your hairball!'

I was in a menage a trois...until she ran off with our marriage guide counsellor!

Mort, you haven't dealt with your anger over Sadie's infidelity. Tell her how you feel. Okay. Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. You're a harlot and a tramp. Whatever. Mort, get some heart into it. Use your bullhorn. Harlot!!! Jerk!!! Good, feel the bitter recrimination.

"When he stopped to smell the flowers, his wife found out whose flowers they were!"

"Your wife ran off with your best friend? Interesting... go with that."

'The first wives club'

Dating Do's and Don'ts

"If you kept up with my blog, you'd understand."

'-you would tell me if there was someone else, wouldn't you, Doris

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Ohmygosh! What? What? Is a Kardashian here? Major scandal. Epic proportions. Infidelity of the highest order. Sadie Cohen has been cheating on Uncle Mort. Can you believe it? Sadie! The very image of perfection revealed as a fraud! She's not the image of perfection. Stick with me. This is for narrative purposes. Oh, fine. No way! But she's so perfect!

"I've never asked Ralph, but I think there's another woman."

'No, Keith. It isn't just the same as me bringing Teddy to bed!'

'...I'm leaving you for Reg next door'

"So you think I should just ignore it?"

Emotional Strongman

'It's our wedding anniversary today, Pete, I bet my husband forgets all about it, again.'

'I can forgive you, Nichole - but I can never forget.'

"Please Mr. Ainsworth - He may talk!"

'We recorded your wife's activities like you asked and-well...Are you sure you want to see the photos, Mr. Watts?'

Another Case of Domestic Violins.