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"I swear, since I started sleeping with that bar of soap under my pillow I haven't had nearly as many brain cramps."

Institute of Health next to Alternative medicine dept

'Mom's Spa'

"How many more times, you've got hayfever, so no, you can't have any cannabis oil."

"I'm not feeling well. I'm picking up a few things at my pharmacy."

Vet to angry-looking dog: 'You ate some crabgrass, eh? Were you self-medicating again?'

"It's all locally-sourced, made from scratch."

'It's anxiety. Don't worry, vitamin B happy.'

Natural Medicines

"The doctor says your injury is not serious...we're going home."

"Lay off the natural remedies. You're beginning to ferment."

Alternative medicine

"I'm hoping for herb immunity."

"The pharmacist will be with you shortly to answer any questions that you have."

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'I hope this alternative Chinese medicine works!'

Itchy Bum? WD-3000.

'Can you keep a secret? This particular remedy is illegal in 49 states.'

'She just has a head cold - Try keeping her nose out of the fridge for a few days!'

'Have you tried Lourdes?'

"My dear, may I suggest a little old-fashioned biofeedback, some acupuncture, and a dollop of nutrition counselling?"

For Witches of a Certain Age

1999 Influenza Chic.

Hippy fighting off medicine.

'I think it is a side effect of the herbal shampoo you're using.'

'I think it's 'feed a cold'...not 'drown a cold'!'

'Chicken soup? That's what my doctor prescribed?'

"I've searched every book, also the Internet, so in desperation...I've come to you, doctor!"

Vending Machine in Alternative Medicine Clinic

"Your husband isn't responding to the normal treatment, Mrs Exley, but he is responding to the abnormal treatment."

'For fever, we scrape the bark from this branch, boil it with shreeded leaves, and sprinkle in powdered root. Then, just to be sure, we add some antibiotics.'

"He is fighting a cold, I think he is ahead on points."

"I feel bad. My stomach hurts. I'm pretty sure it was something I didn't eat."

'Great job! -- I'll go gather some herbs.'

"Is this a stress-relieving home remedy?"