Mystical Maven Gifts

'Your crystal ball has holes in it!' 'When business is bad I give bowling lessons!'

'I can't see your future, but luckily I'm very good with vague generalities and meaningless half truths.'

"Just what we've been looking for...a happy medium."

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

'This is Tabitha. If you're good, she'll read your palm and tell your fortune.'

"Enough about the handsome stranger. Show me that quiet, studious class of highly motivated students again please."

"I'm charging you with trying to strike a happy medium."

"And now, with the projected sales figures..."

"Sorry, I really don't believe in it...I'm a Scorpio and you know that we're naturally sceptical..."

'How about coming back to my place, to look at my I-chings? '

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

"You will become very rich. However, you'll give all your money away."

"I'm sensing that you have a job that carries a great amount of power."

"I see you not getting away with this."

"Of course, black magic is more expensive than white magic. Do you think that the pigments are free?"

Modern Fortune Teller...

'According to your love line, I should be calling a cop right now!'

"And this one is made of ancient crystals that detoxify the air and remove all the money from your pocket."

Fortune teller buying the 'soup of tomorrow'.

Reading the Leaves.

'I knew you were a Chicago Cubs fan. If you believe in this kind of stuff, you have to be a Cubs fan.'

"I see a tall dark stranger who is about to bring some magic into your life..."

'As big as this crystal ball is, and it still locked up. Let me reboot.'

"Once we get the performance figures in we give them to Mrs Miggins and her magic cauldron to make sense of them!"

"Yes I can read palms and if you don't remove yours from my thigh, you'll be reading my palm with your face!"

Madame Babushka: Palm reading, seances, portfolio management.

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Ever since you changed from a frog to a Prince you seem a little jumpy!"

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

'The next piece contains sex, violence, and Homeric epithets.'

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

Myths and legends...

Invisible clothes

Stonehenge Explained

Wolf to Red Riding Hood: 'No thanks, I'm on a strict grandmother diet.'