Mystic Skeptic Gifts

Your daily horoscope.

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"If there were really a God, trees would come with outlets and wifi hubs."

"Sometimes Peter I wish it would just stay as water."

'There is no past. No future. Only the present, which is changing every instant. Time is merely an illusion. Got it?'

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'

"I see a pretty lady who looks a lot like you....a very kind lady...and she's adopting what appears to be a box of adorable kittens!"

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"Sure, it's Good News, but is it fake news?"

"Did you have a cat?"

"So how much money have you made from your psychic hotline business?"

'I'm sorry, Madam Zola. I'm afraid you no longer have second sight.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'I want to find out what the formula was I wrote yesterday on the blackboard and was erased by the custodian.'

"Dont believe anything those guys have told you. None of it. It's all B.S."

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

"We're having a special today on bright futures."

"OK, now what's the meaning of the other eight?"

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'

Nikolay Rerih

'You will meet a sexy, honest fortune teller who will take all your money!'

''Faith can move mountains'? -- That's actually a little disturbing.'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

A voodoo doctor.

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

"Now don't expect any miracles. I'm only a para-scientist."

"I see you coming into money, at least 50p for a cup of tea."

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

'I hope there's something better on the 'other side'!..'

'You will be reincarnated as someone who undergoes past life regression.'

'Hold it right there, pal! I had a vision that your check is going to bounce, so you can just head right back to your car!'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Anyway, it turned out that god was a ruddy algorithm after all!"

"Oh, I know He works in mysterious ways, but if I worked that mysteriously I'd get fired."