Mystery Of Life Explorer T-Shirts

"You've reached the consciousness-raising call center. For the meaning of life, press 1. For the secret to happiness, press 2. For the joke of the day, press 3."

Mister Mid-Life Crisis

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"I just found a unicorn! Apparently, they just want to be left alone."

"Did you get my tweet?"

"A sentimental journey of a thousand miles begins with the first martini."

"Wait, am I hear for you or are you here for me?"

'Tommy is in the other room playing with the triangle we bought him in Bermuda.'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Look! There's a Zyzzkzkk!'

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

Book of Life, Answers in Back.

'I wish I were your age again, and knew what I know now.'

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

'Oh no...I'm living the dream.'

"I don't remember him or the meal or what movie we saw. All I remember is I wore the right jeans."

Highway of Life. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

'Am I on your good Facebook friend list, or on your bad Facebook friend list?'

"...as the devices were nestled on their chargers with care,..."

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

'You're experienced with blood stains I trust?' (Smarthy ACME Carpet Cleaners)

"Spirit! Are you a chatbot?"

Myths and Other Urban Legends

Danger Quicksand

'You may choose either everlasting life or whatever is behind the curtain.'

'No, even I don't know the secret of golf.'

"Scientists believe the mysterious asteroid, known as 'Oumaumau', may be a space probe, a discarded solar sail or a huge alien turd."

Sorry, I don't play footsie on the first date. Neither do I. I guess that leaves rats.

Shark's Scuba Mask.

"To tell you the truth, I never thought downward mobility would be so, well, downward."

People crossing the street while texting use white canes.

"I love talking to you about my problems. We should do a podcast."

'Oversensitive Car Alarm'