Muffin Enthusiast Gifts

Once again, the conversation gets too heated, and the selection of a state muffin has to be shelved until next year.

"Miss Preen, I taste coconut. Did we perform due diligence on this muffin?"

'My diet allows me only one muffin a day!'

"I don't want to hear 'can't' - you find out where the Special Forces are deployed, and you send them some goddam muffin baskets!"

Boss, the customers are demanding to know why the muffins taste like ground cardboard. There was a sale on week-old organic oat bran and cardboard muffins. Should I tell them that? Depends. Are the men wearing lumberjack beards and hipster glasses? And are the women wearing Salvation Army clothes and hipster glasses? Yes. Tell them.

Bakery. I'm trying to lose weight by eating carrot bran muffins. Ah, the fiber-optic diet!

"The first mistake was bringing donuts to a room full of muffin people."

'Sarah and her all-day muffin'

Suddenly McAngus realised these must be the blueberry muffins he had ordered throughout his life but had never been served.

'Pete's coffee shop? I'm calling from precision Labs. Please send over a chocolate muffin and a large container of coffee with 4.7 sugar and 12.2 cream.'

'How do we bake such delicious large muffins that have only 50 calories? False advertising.'

'Ignore your classmates' teasing. You're supposed to have a muffin top.'

"Well yes, I admit it, I ate Young Master's homework, but in my defence, it was his "Food Technology" homework: savoury muffins..."

"Time for a bath, my little muffin...and get all those nooks and crannies!"

Tartine

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

Eternal Student.

Rage.

"I'll wait a moment for everyone's energy drink to kick in."

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"I'm not eating cookies before dinner. I'm having cookies for dinner!"

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"Bad morning. I was running late and skipped my coffee, diet soda, energy drink and Ritalin."

"5 chocolate brownies, 3 banana muffins, 4 caramel cookies and one cappuccino - skinny."

Love is when you watch television together.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

Office Supplies/Coffee Supplies.

You've Had Enough!

How The Sausage Is Eaten

'At least he isn't into drugs.'

"Note the spike here, when the state legalized marijuana."

Writers without borders.

Lioness Shops for Snacks.