Mourner Pillows

"Wrong line, buddy."

"Whilst I appreciate the vacuum demonstration, I do not wish to have my late mother's ashes on my new carpet!"

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Your blood sugar levels are off the chart! Just how many Hallmark Christmas movies did you watch?"

"Blood pressure 210/140. Heart rate 185. Steps taken 29. Sedentary 9.5 hours. Calories burned 19. You da man! Oh, and you're out of pork rinds." "Our classics TV marathon featuring 'Gunsmoke' will continue after..." "The unfitbit"

"Let's finish off our night of being productive by starting another season."

"Actually, Burt's weathering the stay-at-home thing pretty well."

"This is his fifteenth successive Olympics."

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

Life after death

Birthday To-Do List

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

Ventriloquist Grave

"I watched a Lassie marathon today and realized that I really need to step up my game."

'Se Non E Vero' Etc.

Inactive wear store.

"Your husband says BOO!"

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

'Life is a precious thing, but simply breathing and existing isn't living...the end is inevitable for everything...I'm afraid that time has come for you, dear. I have to pull the plug...'

"Let's see what's going on in the world."

But MOM! It's no fair being sick on a Saturday! Can't I take a rain check and be sick on Monday?

"Shouldn't you be studying?

'I would've done my homework, but they kept saying 'stay tuned'.'

'Dad, is this like ... you doing your own thing?'