Motivational Speaker Fan Gifts

And remember this carrot doubles as a stick.

"Remember, you can do ANYTHING...but for only 80 cents to every dollar earned by a man."

"And if you forget who you're covering I'll be on the sidelines, in Hugo Boss, ready to remind you."

"These 'failures' are actually key steps on our path to success."

"We will rebuild!"

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"C'mon men! Our enemies may have rocks but WE have paper! Paper always beats rock!"

"You want motivation? I'll give you motivation: if you win your races, you'll reture on a stud farm, but if you keep on losing, it's off to the knackery!"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who wasn't about to take anyone's sh*t."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

"Global warming is a great icebreaker."

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

'Have you been working out?'

"So let's all remember... 'Believe in yourself' and others will believe in you!"

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"The people will not tolerate people speaking on behalf of the people any longer!"

'Yes, a winky face is correcy...But in ancient times, the semicolon was actually used to separate archaic written devices know as 'complete sentences.''

Keep working or you will be fired.

"Frankly I was expecting something a bit more sophisticated..."

'Last quarter's sales figures were disappointing but don't be discouraged. Let's double our efforts and remember that it takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.'

"Welcome to the Desert Writing Workshop. Today we will focus on irony."

"You're down 10 - zip after the friggin' first half. Ask yourself � what is it going to take to turn this shit around?"

'For the last time, don't run 'persistence is the key to success' by me again.'

When motivational speakers are TOO effective.

'No, officer, I wasn't driving erratically while talking on the cell phone. I was text messaging.'

Vents, real and digital.

Only a handful of people are this small.

A restaurant called "Eat'n'Eat"

Pot Needles

Admiral Lord Nelson practiced mindfulness techniques daily to reduce his stress levels. He found an hour of 'naval gazing' worked wonders.

"Your problem is, when you have a window of opportunity, you usually jump out of the window."