Lecture Fan Gifts

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"You'd be angry, too, if your alter ego was a successful physician."

"At this time I'd like to welcome our gold-medallion passengers on board."

"Remember, you can do ANYTHING...but for only 80 cents to every dollar earned by a man."

"Is this where the breakout session on adolescent behavior meets?"

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

Damn. Out of quarters again for the Pay Electron Microscope.

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"The people will not tolerate people speaking on behalf of the people any longer!"

'I'm a gnu, but I think the 'N' is silent.'

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

". . . and I wish he's shut up for a few minutes!"

"Welcome to the Desert Writing Workshop. Today we will focus on irony."

'You worry too much. Next time something goes wrong, try blaming someone else.'

'Of course I'm confused, I keep dreaming I'm an insomniac.'

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'My gosh...It's like looking in the mirror.'

'And why do you think you developed this overwhelming fear of couches?'

Only a handful of people are this small.

And remember this carrot doubles as a stick.

"On the plus side, people seem happier to see me lately..."

"Don't go in there for 30-45 minutes..."

"We will rebuild!"

"God, I hate these stuck up coastal elites!"

A portent of things to come: the sore throat of Socrates.

'My birthday? The 30th January. What year? Every year Sir.'

"Patient shows definite anxiety symptoms..."

I'm a fully qualified grazer!