Lecture Fan Pillows

Transylvania Lecture Hall. Tonight Count Dracula will speak about lessons he learned looking back over a long life. I thought vampires didn't reflect.

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"Has it occurred to you that you keep getting beaten up because that's your true purpose in life?"

"You'd be angry, too, if your alter ego was a successful physician."

"At this time I'd like to welcome our gold-medallion passengers on board."

"Remember, you can do ANYTHING...but for only 80 cents to every dollar earned by a man."

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

"Is this where the breakout session on adolescent behavior meets?"

Damn. Out of quarters again for the Pay Electron Microscope.

Thanks to an elaborate system of mirrors, every employee at Vecon Industries had a window view.

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

'I keep thinking I'm being watched...'

"The people will not tolerate people speaking on behalf of the people any longer!"

'I'm a gnu, but I think the 'N' is silent.'

Mad Social Scientist School

". . . and I wish he's shut up for a few minutes!"

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"Welcome to the Desert Writing Workshop. Today we will focus on irony."

'You worry too much. Next time something goes wrong, try blaming someone else.'

Spider Preschool.

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'Of course I'm confused, I keep dreaming I'm an insomniac.'

'My gosh...It's like looking in the mirror.'

'And why do you think you developed this overwhelming fear of couches?'

Your eyelids are growing heavy … No, wait … Better yet, your lips are growing heavy … !!!

Psychiatry. I think I'm my own worst enemy because I like to back the winning side! (Published originally on April 20, 2009).

Only a handful of people are this small.

And remember this carrot doubles as a stick.

"On the plus side, people seem happier to see me lately..."

"God, I hate these stuck up coastal elites!"

A portent of things to come: the sore throat of Socrates.

"We will rebuild!"

'My birthday? The 30th January. What year? Every year Sir.'

"Don't go in there for 30-45 minutes..."

"Patient shows definite anxiety symptoms..."