Meditation Fan Gifts

"Can I call you back, Ed? I'm in the moment here."

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

"Dave? I have big news. I hope you're in the lotus position."

Pot Needles

'Are you sure about this? -- Enlightenment isn't for sissies.'

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

Zen & the art of looking busy.

'Have you been working out?'

Admiral Lord Nelson practiced mindfulness techniques daily to reduce his stress levels. He found an hour of 'naval gazing' worked wonders.

'Don't just sit there thinking. Meditate.'

Hot Pie Therapy

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

'I have multiple personalities and they are all following me on Twitter.'

DIY marriage counseling.

"You've got to learn to love yourself. Start by 'Friending' yourself on Facebook."

"Has it occurred to you that you keep getting beaten up because that's your true purpose in life?"

"Remember, you can do ANYTHING...but for only 80 cents to every dollar earned by a man."

Relationship Rating: His and Hers

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

"Use your head, follow your heart and go with your gut."

'Slices Mandy! Just slices!'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'Of course, the future isn't what it used to be.'

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

'I keep thinking I'm being watched...'

'We need to try to regress you beyond the last seven seconds...'

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're not MAGICIANS!"

"Have you tried sitting in a box?"

Therapy for the cow dependent

'I have an expense account, but it's a joke.'

"With the redundancy and the divorce I'm struggling to remain Mr. Happy."

Dentist as psychoanalyst with tooth patient on couch

"I worry that some people find me boring"

"How do you feel about turning over?"