Meditation Fan Pillows

"Can I call you back, Ed? I'm in the moment here."

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

"Dave? I have big news. I hope you're in the lotus position."

Pot Needles

'Are you sure about this? -- Enlightenment isn't for sissies.'

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

Zen & the art of looking busy.

'Have you been working out?'

Admiral Lord Nelson practiced mindfulness techniques daily to reduce his stress levels. He found an hour of 'naval gazing' worked wonders.

'Don't just sit there thinking. Meditate.'

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

DIY marriage counseling.

"Remember, you can do ANYTHING...but for only 80 cents to every dollar earned by a man."

Relationship Rating: His and Hers

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

'Slices Mandy! Just slices!'

'We need to try to regress you beyond the last seven seconds...'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're not MAGICIANS!"

'Of course, the future isn't what it used to be.'

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"Have you tried sitting in a box?"

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

"With the redundancy and the divorce I'm struggling to remain Mr. Happy."

"How do you feel about turning over?"

"I worry that some people find me boring"

'I have an expense account, but it's a joke.'

Therapy for the cow dependent

'The therapy did help your husband find his inner child, unfortunately his inner child is called Dwayne.'

Dentist as psychoanalyst with tooth patient on couch

'Dr Freud, this isn't comfortable. Why don't you sit on that chair?' 'That's not a bad idea.'

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

Just one of the many ways self-help books can improve people's lives.

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

'I keep having these flashbacks.'