Therapy Session Fan Pillows

"Patient shows definite anxiety symptoms..."

'You worry too much. Next time something goes wrong, try blaming someone else.'

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

"On the plus side, people seem happier to see me lately..."

'You've been talking to me for so long, it's no wonder you're hoarse.'

'Of course I'm confused, I keep dreaming I'm an insomniac.'

'And why do you think you developed this overwhelming fear of couches?'

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

"Trust me. This is going to make it easier to discuss your childhood."

"Hon, do you think it's time you took a break from the light therapy lamp?"

DIY marriage counseling.

Relationship Rating: His and Hers

'Have you been working out?'

"Where can I find some peace of mind?"

'Due to budget cutbacks we are combining our annual employee dinner with The Seven Basic Quality Control Tools Training.'

"This week we're going to try some regression therapy."

'We need to try to regress you beyond the last seven seconds...'

"Krazy straw"

"It's my 30-day chip. One month catnip free."

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're not MAGICIANS!"

"Have you tried sitting in a box?"

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

'Extreme acupuncture.'

'The therapy did help your husband find his inner child, unfortunately his inner child is called Dwayne.'

"With the redundancy and the divorce I'm struggling to remain Mr. Happy."

"How do you feel about turning over?"

Therapy for the cow dependent

'I have an expense account, but it's a joke.'

Dentist as psychoanalyst with tooth patient on couch

"I wouldn't worry about it, in your case, the superiority complex just goes with this territory."

"Let's just get through the first aisle...then we'll discuss your impulse buying."

'I keep having these flashbacks.'