Motivational Humorist Gifts

"The thing is, you have to really want to change."

'It says, 'Take on step at a time.' Wait a second, that can't be right.'

"I exercise almost everyday. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday..."

'And remember - failure is not an option...oh, hang on, yes it is.'

For sale. Lost the will to serve the public.

"He was someone you had to light a fire under in order to get anything done."

"You snored through the whole motivational seminar."

'Good morning, pinheads!' (salesmen).

Chicken soup for the sole.

'If he applies himself, there's no limit to what he won't be able to accomplish.'

'...next time you feel like giving that extra 10 percent at work...would you mind giving it to someone else?!...'

"How many reps have you managed in the gym today?"

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

Football Chameleon

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

University. I never really understood geometry until the instructor brought up pizzas.

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

These Sales Reps get more aggressive every year.

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"