Motivational Humorist Pillows

"The thing is, you have to really want to change."

'It says, 'Take on step at a time.' Wait a second, that can't be right.'

"I exercise almost everyday. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday..."

For sale. Lost the will to serve the public.

"He was someone you had to light a fire under in order to get anything done."

"You snored through the whole motivational seminar."

'Good morning, pinheads!' (salesmen).

'If he applies himself, there's no limit to what he won't be able to accomplish.'

'...next time you feel like giving that extra 10 percent at work...would you mind giving it to someone else?!...'

"How many reps have you managed in the gym today?"

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

Football Chameleon

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

These Sales Reps get more aggressive every year.

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

Snowman with big carrot nose to one with small carrot nose: 'I'd increase your beta carotene.'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

"Meditation is too hard. How do you keep one thought in your mind for this long?"

'Whatever it is, I didn't do it.'

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'