Mothers Gifts

"Well, the children are grown up, married, divorced, and remarried. I guess our job is done."

"Does this make us bad parents?"

'Relax, Ted, it's only a phase!'

"We're playing YouTube."

'I'm too tired to listen to a story tonight, mom. Just e-mail something and I'll read it tomorrow.'

The World's First Genetically Engineered Human Hits Adolescence

'I don't worry about anything. My Mom does all the worrying for me.'

Couple with lots of kids. Woman says: 'This is our daughter, my son from my first marriage, John's daughter from his second marriage, and I've no idea who the one on the end is.'

'What do you mean you're thirsty? You had a drink just last week.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"Better safe than sorry, son."

'...And this is our spare son in case the first one doesn't live up to expectations'

"The hardest part of homework is keeping my parents motivated."

'We must be great parents...our children all hate us.'

"Those are my parents. Aren't they terrific?"

"Whenever I want my mom to play fort, I just turn on news about climate change."

"Andy plays perfectly well with others - it's others who don't play well with Andy."

"If you can get his parents to go ballistic, he can't hit a thing."

"Family vacation is an oxymoron."

'Is robbing Peter to pay Paul like using your Mastercard to pay Visa?'

'Parenting skills don't come naturally. You learn from the experience of screwing up your kids just like your parents did.'

"Sweetheart, use your inside gun."

'You wash, I'll dry.'

'She has great communication skills.'

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

'Uh-oh... when mom calls me by my full latin species name, I'm in big trouble.'

'It followed me home, can I keep it?'

'When did you first notice he had The Blues?'

"It's nothing to worry about. He just seems to be experiencing a growth spurt."

Letter from Camp* (*with Footnotes)

"I internalize my mother's needs Monday through Friday and my father's needs most weekends."

Three frogs watching their tadpoles (colour).

'I know its natural and all but seriously...Get a Barn!'

'Relax, Ted, it's only a phase!'

"The only problem with living at the top of a mountain is the constant stream of people coming to ask stupid questions."