Morning Show Fan Gifts

'Please do not adjust your set -- I'm just a little hung over.'

"As a young man growing up in today's complicated world, I think it's important for me to stay in touch with world events."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

Evolution of a coffee drinker.

'Straight eye for the queer guy.'

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

Big Newspaper Delivery

1,572 Performances.

Running Latte

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

Men discussing a book on a chat show

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

'Do you want toast with that?'

"Well I think the Real question is..."

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

Good Morning Britain

"I'm more of a day owl."

"You've got to move. The bed is needed for another TV drama."

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"Hurry, I've been waiting for you."

"I see myself as a lot like Garbo, but very much a people person!"

"I still jump out of bed every morning. I just don't stick the landing as often."

'You're beat. Maybe you need to wake up to a better morning news team.'

"Honey, could you pass me the cow."

"Emotional breakdown! Call Oprah!"

'On the contrary-I quite enjoy that Monday morning feeling!'

Retired Talk Show Host.

It sounds like you've been watching Dr. Phil again, Al � bad idea. Dr. Phil provides a service, Dr. Kapuchnik: he makes you seem like less of a pompous, overbearing know-it-all.

Highlights from the Million Moderate March

Darlene? Rudy? I heard you might be hanging out here. I thought I'd come by just to say hello and see how you're doing. That's nice. Coffee King. I love you. Hence Coffee King. House of Java.

'So...you claim Farmer Jones kept you locked up naked in a dirty sty, fed nothing but garbage and repetitively called you a filthy swine!'

"Good coffee."

'You're listening to no repeat radio where we never play the same song twice! Yeah! No repeat radio! Where you'll never hear the same song twice! Only on no repeat radio!'