Morbid Humor Connoisseur Pillows

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

Vlad the Impala

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"He's a guard dog."

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

'Apparently the stag party has gone into extra time.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

'Take me to you lieder.'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

'I don't think you quite grasp our overall motif.'

"How was prom?"

"Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped insisting on your uncle Bill being here for Christmas?"

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"Every Thursday I do her nails."

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

'Well it's too bad you're not a black widow like me, Slyvia...'

"That damn dog's scratching again!"

'I'm sorry young lady, but you're not old enough to be free range!'

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

'Can I get a box for this?'

'It's clear that we need Haitian refugees in America to do jobs Americans aren't willing to do... Like voting Democratic!'

"It's overdosed on Parakeetamol."

"Is that snow? We never get snow around here...what do we do?"