Morbid Humor Aficionados Pillows

Execution Workout

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Unemotional Support Animal

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

"Puss in cement boots"

Dickens & Tolstoy Walk into a Bar: " . . . so, to make a short story long . . . "

Stairlift around cliff face.

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

6,000 BC: Neolithic Barbecue

"It's a beautiful world out there, just waiting to be discovered. Well, discovered by one of you, the rest will almost certainly die."

Stormy weather

Cheating Death.

'We have to forfeit, Three of our players got squashed on the way over here,'

"Very Presidential."

"WOW, we're on top of the world!"

"He doesn’t say much, but he thinks a lot."

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Yeah, but if it's NOT a mirage, maybe we can find Mapquest on it!'

'I don't think you quite grasp our overall motif.'

"Oh, it's alright. You couldn't know that I'm honey-intolerant."

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.

'Do we want to tackle this head on, or just stun it with a glancing blow until next Monday?'

'It's in my belly-button if you must know!'

'All right pal, just hand over the nose and nobody gets hurt.'

Watchdog on Holiday