Morbid Humor Collector Pillows

"Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped insisting on your uncle Bill being here for Christmas?"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Bert's dog training.'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

"Eat me"

A 'Falling Rock' and a 'Deer Crossing' zone.

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

Cake Free Zone

Vegetarian Birds

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

"Fantastic! Do you realize what we've just stumbled upon? It's the fabled Lost Glove Compartment of the Ancient Astronauts!"

A watch face with Stonehenge

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

The Tale of the Tape of the Tail.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

Man falls in water Title: 'Willis was always an overachiever.'

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

'Forget worms. Think fast food.'

Vanna White: The Later Years.

Bathroom Fairy

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

Clown to clown on unicycle: 'How does it corner?'

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."