Money Matters Humor Champ Gifts

Money and hair only seem important when you don't have any!

Me and my money are soon parted

Scott Walker keeps his job.

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."

"You're my ideal client. A man with a LOT of money, in a LOT of trouble."

The Recession Hole.

"We can't go on meeting like this, I'm practically broke."

Budget Opticians.

'Think about it: There were over three million of us co-owning this ant-hill, so we only got a few cents each...'

"I heard you are charging a monthly fee for using your debit card, and I'm here to complain!"

'Behind the Eight Ball'

Plimbco Bank & Trust, old money division.

Gentleman wanting to know exactly how much he owes his butler

Dollar sign balloon.

"The fifty-five-gallon drum is completely filled with pennies, sir. Should it be taken to the bank?"

Dicorce lawyer: 'I can't promise you custody of your money. But I'll make darn sure you get full visitation rights!'

Computer that runs on money.

How much money do you want? How much have you got?

'All these bailouts are silly - why don't they just give everybody their own ATM machines?'

"Does he have bills to pay as well then..?"

'The 22% tax I understand, but who gets the other 78%?'

'Every time I get paid my creditors form a flash mob.'

'We've decided to stay together for the sake of Ken's pension.'

'Yes, we offer no-fee checking accounts. For a small fee.'

HMRC Self-Assessment - Poor

"Sure I play hard, but I also inherit hard."

'We rejected your application for a loan, my friend.'

Ethical investment - piggy bank

He sometimes wondered if his new trophy wife was just after his money. (Towels read 'kin' and 'next of kin').

Have You Claimed Your PPI?

"I don't mean to minimize your problems. That's not how I make my dough."

'What did I tell you about investing in an unauthorised firm ?'

'I'm leaving you because you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.'