Money Matters Humor Champ Pillows

Money and hair only seem important when you don't have any!

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

Me and my money are soon parted

Scott Walker keeps his job.

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."

Oooo, Mr. Private Sector, whoop-dee-doo. It's not like we don't come from the same printer.

"We can't go on meeting like this, I'm practically broke."

'Think about it: There were over three million of us co-owning this ant-hill, so we only got a few cents each...'

Budget Opticians.

The Recession Hole.

"You're my ideal client. A man with a LOT of money, in a LOT of trouble."

"I heard you are charging a monthly fee for using your debit card, and I'm here to complain!"

Gentleman wanting to know exactly how much he owes his butler

Plimbco Bank & Trust, old money division.

"The fifty-five-gallon drum is completely filled with pennies, sir. Should it be taken to the bank?"

'Behind the Eight Ball'

Dollar sign balloon.

'The 22% tax I understand, but who gets the other 78%?'

'Every time I get paid my creditors form a flash mob.'

'All these bailouts are silly - why don't they just give everybody their own ATM machines?'

How much money do you want? How much have you got?

Computer that runs on money.

Dicorce lawyer: 'I can't promise you custody of your money. But I'll make darn sure you get full visitation rights!'

"Does he have bills to pay as well then..?"

'We've decided to stay together for the sake of Ken's pension.'

'Yes, we offer no-fee checking accounts. For a small fee.'

HMRC Self-Assessment - Poor

"Sure I play hard, but I also inherit hard."

'We rejected your application for a loan, my friend.'

Ethical investment - piggy bank

He sometimes wondered if his new trophy wife was just after his money. (Towels read 'kin' and 'next of kin').

'I think my parents are feeling the pinch of college tuition. They're talking about return on investment.'

'What did I tell you about investing in an unauthorised firm ?'

'I'm leaving you because you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.'

"I don't mean to minimize your problems. That's not how I make my dough."