Mollusc Memoirist T-Shirts

'I had no idea you were upper-middle left tentacled.'

Shell Fire

I'm currently working on my autobiography. Would you care to help make page 327 interesting?

Snail Pattern Balding.

Snail Man

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

'Oh, I'm just writing a tender memoir or my long ago affair with J.F.K...it's filled with pathos and sad wishful longing...'

"I turned five. That's why I'm here. What are you in for?"

'Hey look I got a free newspaper with my wallchart of north sea molluscs aand DVD of elbow stretching excercises.'

Rudy, I loved your memoir. It was fascinating. The way you overcame huge odds to invent the computer. How you went on to protect us from government surveillance. You know none of it's true. The way you swore yourself to humility. People so want to believe a good story.

Mystic Writes 2014 Diary

"I'd be fast, too, if I had legs that long."

"There were times I wished I was an oyster, but I'm happy as a clam."

"The one's an en suite and the other's a walk-in wardrobe."

"Dear diary, I'm leaving you for a Twitter account—it's not you, it's technology..."

'. . . He's such a slime ball!'

Small Clams Court

"It sucks being reincarnated as a snail, but at least I've finally achieved home ownership."

Notice - Salt Kills

Snail with lots of shells says: 'I've extended as far as possible, so there was nowhere to go but down.'

Gardener and the Giant Snail

"I put in a skylight and it's made a world of difference."

'Are you responsible for this?'

"He's not in. Can you crawl back after lunch?"

'Dude, the river is flooding! Get out of here as quickly as you can!'

Snail Homes

"I guess new carpeting was a bad idea."

I'm finishing my memoirs. There's a chapter about us. What us? There was never any us. It's just a memoir. I have some artistic license. Do you want to be my wife or just my doting longtime girlfriend? Some people can't stand seeing their lives in print.

But if you make his pearls for him, he'll never learn to make them himself.

'I'm writing my memoirs. Can you remember what we've been doing for the past forty years?'

"Bloody caravans..."

"I'm still working on mt childhood memories."

'Wow! She's one gorgeous looking slug!'

Society of Mollusc Breeders.

"I hate these tower blocks. . ."