Mollusc Memoirist T-Shirts

'I had no idea you were upper-middle left tentacled.'

Shell Fire

Snail Pattern Balding.

Snail Man

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

'Hey look I got a free newspaper with my wallchart of north sea molluscs aand DVD of elbow stretching excercises.'

"I turned five. That's why I'm here. What are you in for?"

Mystic Writes 2014 Diary

"I'd be fast, too, if I had legs that long."

Notice - Salt Kills

"There were times I wished I was an oyster, but I'm happy as a clam."

"It sucks being reincarnated as a snail, but at least I've finally achieved home ownership."

Small Clams Court

Gardener and the Giant Snail

"Dear diary, I'm leaving you for a Twitter account—it's not you, it's technology..."

"The one's an en suite and the other's a walk-in wardrobe."

'. . . He's such a slime ball!'

Snail with lots of shells says: 'I've extended as far as possible, so there was nowhere to go but down.'

"I put in a skylight and it's made a world of difference."

"I guess new carpeting was a bad idea."

"He's not in. Can you crawl back after lunch?"

'Dude, the river is flooding! Get out of here as quickly as you can!'

Snail Homes

'I'm writing my memoirs. Can you remember what we've been doing for the past forty years?'

"Bloody caravans..."

Society of Mollusc Breeders.

'Wow! She's one gorgeous looking slug!'

"Who, her? She left here weeks ago. . . before you and I even met. She's been on her way home ever since."

"I'm still working on mt childhood memories."

"I hate these tower blocks. . ."