Modernist Humorist Gifts

"I called in the iHouse cleaners, they do it all except windows."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

"Gee, thanks pal."

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"The Eggsorcist"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Radiator jazz player

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

Peter

The Phantom Of The Garden

"They'll be expecting adagio. Go with the allegro."

Guitar pickin'