Modern Woman Gifts

"I haven't decided whether or not I want children, but I know I don't want any husbands!"

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

"To heck with a husband... just help me find a dependable electrician."

'Do you remember when our time away from the office was our time...'

'It was love at first sight, although he was very pixilated and I was out of focus'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Dragon Hair-dryer.

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

#Whyneighborsdon'tknowtheirneighbors

'I can't wait 'til hunting is googling and gathering is calling out for delivery.'

Crap from the future.

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"We realize that kids start using technology at a younger age these days, so our strollers come with Bluetooth, Wi-Fi and GPS."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Aah! Bless! Look at him on his I-pad!"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"Did you get my tweet?"

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

The Modern Novel.

"I won it for being the most noncompetitive in preschool."

'Shhh... It's babies app time.'

'A coach would be nice. But vegetable will get me a BMW?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Thanks for the book, dad. Now I can reach my computer!'

Fur Baby

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

Tunnel of TV

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."