Modern Woman Pillows

"I haven't decided whether or not I want children, but I know I don't want any husbands!"

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

"To heck with a husband... just help me find a dependable electrician."

'It was love at first sight, although he was very pixilated and I was out of focus'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Dragon Hair-dryer.

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

#Whyneighborsdon'tknowtheirneighbors

Crap from the future.

"We realize that kids start using technology at a younger age these days, so our strollers come with Bluetooth, Wi-Fi and GPS."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Did you get my tweet?"

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"I won it for being the most noncompetitive in preschool."

'Shhh... It's babies app time.'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Thanks for the book, dad. Now I can reach my computer!'

i-teddy

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

Fur Baby

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"You may now kiss the bride."

Tunnel of TV