Modern Life Musers Gifts

The Evolution Of Man.

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

Crap from the future.

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Did you get my tweet?"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'This is suppose to be progress.'

Tunnel of TV

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"How is it gendered?"

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

"The club scene is really changing."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

"Teenagers! Everyone try to look cool!"

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"Hi, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"I wasn't copying off others. I was just crowdsourcing the answers."

"I've been wondering if there isn't some way we could capitalize on the cat craze."