Midlife Musers Gifts

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I told them to pipe down."

"I think it's a library - you know, that place for middle-aged men to look at p********y."

ZZZZZZZ Top

Micro Psychiatry Clinic. You have a full schedule today, Doctor. The helium atom will be here to work on his fear of heights. The white blood cell with a germ phobia and amoeba with separation anxiety are coming in. The DNA molecule will be here about an identity crisis. And here, in the sports car, comes a new patient, a carbon-14 isotope. Ah, looks like he's going through a half-life crisis!

Middle-Age Superheroes

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

Corporate departments as a metaphor for growing up.

The Evolution Of Man.

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'I've used up all my eligibilities'

Midlife: You Are Here.

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"It seems like only yesterday I was on the verge of getting it all together."

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

'Yeah, I hate change, too.'

Phil at Fifty: Still Trying to Find Himself

"Still getting those hot flashes, Margaret?"

'Dad, what were you like when you weren't a kid?'

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

Insomnia.

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

'Sweet dreams buddy!'

I'm 40! Oh. Well happy birthday. A lot of people wouldn't be happy about turning 40. But I'm thrilled! I've been looking forward to my midlife crisis for a long time. I've got it all planned. First I'm going to buy a sports car. Then I'm going to leave my family for someone half my age who really GETS me. Then we're going to embark on a road trip filled with booze, shoplifting and debauchery. Anyway, what's your most dangerous drink? I want something that says "I'm letting the tiger in me out to

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

'In denial and loving it!'

A sign hangs from the front of the Sunnyvale Nudist Camp - 'Join Today - 100% Off!'

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

'Is this really where we wanted to be at this stage of our lives?'

'He's going through a phase of wanting to be a grape again.'

"Don't patronize me. Nobody cares what I think anymore. Go ask Dr. Phil."