Modern Dieter Gifts

'We no longer serve trans-fats. Would you like some lettuce broth?'

"We ought to give this diet a name."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Man with a pizza in 'Lover's Lane.'

Women holding onto birds so that her weight seems lower

"...there, I found it. Stellar! I love this nutrition app!"

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

'Tomorrow we'll just have lettuce and water, OK.'

How Wafer-Thin Mints Stay Thin.

"First, finish that genetically modified asparagus. Then you can have ice cream full of bovine growth hormone."

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"You're suffering from an overdose of food."

"Here's the deal. If it tastes good, don't eat it."

'You're going to go on a diet.'

Computer: 'You-are-spending-too-much-time-interfacing-with-food'

'Fad diet. The weight will come right back.'

Snacking on yourself causes NO net weight gain!!!

'I think the four basic food groups are frozen, canned, junk, and take out.'

'Your fitness program really should include more exercise than just pushing yourself away from the table...'

Maude finally gets rid of her giant ass.

"Blech! Skim milk!"

No wonder I feel so bloated. They said this was No. Cal.'

"The clouds of heaven have a load limit of 65 KG! Everyone over the load limit sinks down to Hell! 65,3 KG! You should not have eaten that last cake!"

Jogging incentives.

There's a thin person inside me trying to get out...probably more than one.

The Fast Diet

Fantasy Diet League

"I like to mix up my exercise routine, usually with sitting on the sofa drinking beer!"

"No . . . erasing food-search-apps from your browser history doesn't count as dieting."

"This Subway Diet is way better than that Atkins nonsense."