Gourmet Dieter Gifts

"Here's the deal. If it tastes good, don't eat it."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

La Table

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

Cookbooks

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Too much cilantro

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

The Main Types of Cheese

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.

To do before Saturday...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"I come here for the pepper."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Is this still America?'