Gourmet Dieter T-Shirts

"Here's the deal. If it tastes good, don't eat it."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

La Table

Cookbooks

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.

The Main Types of Cheese

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"I come here for the pepper."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

To do before Saturday...

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Too much cilantro

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'