Dieting Gourmet T-Shirts

"Do you still have a recipe for the low fat rum-bourbon cake that helps you forget your hopes and dreams."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

The wonderful world of cheese.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

La Table

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

Cookbooks

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

French wine

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

The Main Types of Cheese

"Yes, we have blue cheese. Do you want it in electric, sky or navy blue?"

Too much cilantro

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."