Mix-up Aficionado T-Shirts

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"Do you call this a party! I've been to livelier funerals!"

"Please forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles. Will the happy couple please step forward?"

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

'I think we took a wrong turn between the seventh and eight holes.'

Wait - If this is a big bag of toys, where's the big bag of dirty laundry? Worst Christmas morning ever.

'Eh...our costume party was last Saturday!'

"I said hot, boiling oil! Not cold, refreshing milk!"

'I suppose you're going to tell me I need new contact lenses.'

'You came through the delivery with flying colors, Mrs. Lewis.'

'Do you know that tattoo reads,'I love little porcelain dolls'?' (a Chinese man explaining to a tough guy what his Chinese tattoo really means).

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

"Right now someone is saying 'Look, somebody threw out a perfectly good briefcase!"

"Bert's Bakery? I think there's a pissed-off Bucks Party somewhere, standing around our wedding cake."

Piano tuner with an assistant.

"Gina remembers where she left her pen... No wonder I can't write with this. It's a rectal thermometer."

'George...George! Have you seen the fly-spray anywhere?'

"No, this is not 'returns,' and that's not a receipt … it's a birth certificate!"

Little Women in Love in the Time of Cholera

"Frankincense you fool...."

'I don't give a damn what the chart says! i did not have a hysterectomy!!!'

"What a screwup. I was only supposed to get a hip replacement."

"What makes you think you got your medication mixed up with your wife's?"

"Uh, oh...I was supposed to rub this on your back..."

Golfer on Football Pitch

'No nurse! - I said check their obs!'

"Then that lady next to me on the bus must be on her way to the hospital with my loose meat sandwich."

"I think there's been a clerical error!"

'Eh Darling. Why is the goldfish in the cats bowl?'

'You're right. It does look infected. But I'm just the janitor.'

Alternative acupuncture.

"Hand me a number eight iron."

'Employment service? I asked for keypunchers, not cowpunchers!'

"Ah...I see your mistake. We're, Proctor and Proctor. You're looking for the proctologist, next door."

Animal Hospital.