Mix-up Enthusiast T-Shirts

"No, this is not 'returns,' and that's not a receipt … it's a birth certificate!"

'You're right. It does look infected. But I'm just the janitor.'

Whoops! I've brought the wrong husband home from the shops.

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

'I suppose you're going to tell me I need new contact lenses.'

Animal Hospital.

"Ah...I see your mistake. We're, Proctor and Proctor. You're looking for the proctologist, next door."

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'I think we took a wrong turn between the seventh and eight holes.'

'Eh...our costume party was last Saturday!'

"Hold it a second. I want to watch this."

"I said hot, boiling oil! Not cold, refreshing milk!"

Busy mom drops a child off at the kennels and is on her way to dropping the dog off at kindergarten.

'You came through the delivery with flying colors, Mrs. Lewis.'

'Do you know that tattoo reads,'I love little porcelain dolls'?' (a Chinese man explaining to a tough guy what his Chinese tattoo really means).

"Right now someone is saying 'Look, somebody threw out a perfectly good briefcase!"

'Why am I here, nurse? I just wanted a replacement for my organ.'

"Bert's Bakery? I think there's a pissed-off Bucks Party somewhere, standing around our wedding cake."

Piano tuner with an assistant.

"Please forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles. Will the happy couple please step forward?"

Gone with the Wind in the Willows

"Gina remembers where she left her pen... No wonder I can't write with this. It's a rectal thermometer."

Little Women in Love in the Time of Cholera

'George...George! Have you seen the fly-spray anywhere?'

'I don't give a damn what the chart says! i did not have a hysterectomy!!!'

"What a screwup. I was only supposed to get a hip replacement."

"Then that lady next to me on the bus must be on her way to the hospital with my loose meat sandwich."

'Eh Darling. Why is the goldfish in the cats bowl?'

'No nurse! - I said check their obs!'

"I think there's been a clerical error!"

"Do you call this a party! I've been to livelier funerals!"

Alternative acupuncture.

"Hand me a number eight iron."

'Employment service? I asked for keypunchers, not cowpunchers!'

'You idiot! You didn't tell us this gig was for a marching band! '