Mix-up Aficionado Gifts

"Sorry, that's not my table."

"Do you call this a party! I've been to livelier funerals!"

"Please forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles. Will the happy couple please step forward?"

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

'I think we took a wrong turn between the seventh and eight holes.'

'Eh...our costume party was last Saturday!'

"I said hot, boiling oil! Not cold, refreshing milk!"

'I suppose you're going to tell me I need new contact lenses.'

'You came through the delivery with flying colors, Mrs. Lewis.'

'Do you know that tattoo reads,'I love little porcelain dolls'?' (a Chinese man explaining to a tough guy what his Chinese tattoo really means).

"Right now someone is saying 'Look, somebody threw out a perfectly good briefcase!"

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

Piano tuner with an assistant.

"Bert's Bakery? I think there's a pissed-off Bucks Party somewhere, standing around our wedding cake."

"No, this is not 'returns,' and that's not a receipt … it's a birth certificate!"

"Frankincense you fool...."

'George...George! Have you seen the fly-spray anywhere?'

Little Women in Love in the Time of Cholera

"Gina remembers where she left her pen... No wonder I can't write with this. It's a rectal thermometer."

'I don't give a damn what the chart says! i did not have a hysterectomy!!!'

"What a screwup. I was only supposed to get a hip replacement."

"Uh, oh...I was supposed to rub this on your back..."

"Then that lady next to me on the bus must be on her way to the hospital with my loose meat sandwich."

"I think there's been a clerical error!"

'You're right. It does look infected. But I'm just the janitor.'

'Eh Darling. Why is the goldfish in the cats bowl?'

'No nurse! - I said check their obs!'

Golfer on Football Pitch

Alternative acupuncture.

'Employment service? I asked for keypunchers, not cowpunchers!'

Whoops! I've brought the wrong husband home from the shops.

"Hand me a number eight iron."

'You idiot! You didn't tell us this gig was for a marching band! '

Animal Hospital.

"Ah...I see your mistake. We're, Proctor and Proctor. You're looking for the proctologist, next door."