Miracle Ponderer Gifts

'So that's five loaves and two fishes---do you want curly fries and a diet Pepsi with that?'

'We're good with the loaves and fishes. But how about some white wine?'

"Yeah, I could walk all the way to Egypt. Or you could just free them yourself using magic."

The Miracle of the Tornado

"Yeah, he changed water into wine but it was nothing you'd want to lay down."

Jesus Rollerblading on water

"So he turned water into wine. It was a pedestrian, generic merlot."

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

Bishop reads menu which features only loaves, fishes, water and wine.

"Do you think Jesus had one of those Bunker Buster bombs?"

Jesus walking on water 2014 as a result of pollution

'Moses parted the water so the Isrealites could go across? You mean in the mud?'

"Jesus, how many times have I told you that's not a toy?"

"Hell's bells! You got a patent on that?"

Jesus hoverboard

'This wasn't quite the fairytale ending that Colin had anticipated...'

Idle parts

NOT COVID-RELATED tombstone

"What's with kids nowadays? Walking upright's not good enough for you?"

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

"Sure, but what have you invented lately?"

'Just one God? - But won't he be outnumbered?'

God answers what He thought were worldwide prayers for peas.

Why not get God's fax number, and just fax him my prayer?

Jesus wept

"Well, for starters, Matt has been showing definite improvement in risk-taking."

'Though we must innovate, and though we must grow, we must never lose sight of our core mediocrities.'

"I'm basically happy but I'd like a most cost-effective personality."

Dorothy finds the Yellow brick road is now a 6-lane expressway.

"NO I DON'T THINK YOU NEED LEGAL REPRESENTATION WHEN SAYING YOUR PRAYERS."

'If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?'

'Hello, my name is Death'

Various Birds of Pray.

'I know we're laying up treasures in Heaven, but I still think you should talk to the Church Board about your pension,'

"You know, Mother, they say dead is the new 80."