Milestone Anniversary Gifts

'You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.' 'I didn't expect to live this long.'

"You know what I want for our twentieth anniversary? A Dumpster."

"Jack, I'm looking through these old love letters, faded flowers and other sentimental objects meant to inspire tender memories… junk?"

"Thirty years together and now you tell me you're Canadian?"

"It wasn't until after fifty years of marriage that Mike finally learned the importance of putting the seat down." "Happy anniversary. Now flush."

Gift Suggestions for Post-Diamond Wedding Anniversaries

"As long as we're renewing our vows anyway, I've come up with a few new ones."

Pearly King and Queen

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

The Philosopher Pine, or, The Eternal Optimist.

"One year closer to college!"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

Pilot with champagne.

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

Newlyweds. . . 10 Years Married. . . 25 Years Married. . . 50+ Years Married.

'I've stepped on so many people for the last 20 years to get where I'm at, and I'm still only a middle manager.'

Gary turns 40.

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

An old man exercising with hourglasses

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

Do you think I'm sixty?

Babies first words are 'Take me to your leader'

"Careful."

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"It's not bulls**t if we call it strategy."

Old Wine in an Old Bottle

'Gentlemen, a toast to our 4th fishing trip this year. Perhaps, one day, we'll remember to bring poles, in addition to beer.'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

You know you're getting up there in years when your birthday cake requires that extra box of candles....

Aging Problems

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."