Milestone Anniversary Gifts

'You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.' 'I didn't expect to live this long.'

"You know what I want for our twentieth anniversary? A Dumpster."

"Jack, I'm looking through these old love letters, faded flowers and other sentimental objects meant to inspire tender memories… junk?"

"Thirty years together and now you tell me you're Canadian?"

"It wasn't until after fifty years of marriage that Mike finally learned the importance of putting the seat down." "Happy anniversary. Now flush."

Gift Suggestions for Post-Diamond Wedding Anniversaries

"As long as we're renewing our vows anyway, I've come up with a few new ones."

Pearly King and Queen

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

The Philosopher Pine, or, The Eternal Optimist.

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

"One year closer to college!"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

Pilot with champagne.

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

Newlyweds. . . 10 Years Married. . . 25 Years Married. . . 50+ Years Married.

'I've stepped on so many people for the last 20 years to get where I'm at, and I'm still only a middle manager.'

Gary turns 40.

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"Remember, you're only as old as your peel."

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

"It's not bulls**t if we call it strategy."

"Careful."

An old man exercising with hourglasses

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

Babies first words are 'Take me to your leader'

Do you think I'm sixty?

'I don't think of my skin as saggy...I think of it as relaxed-fit!'

Old Wine in an Old Bottle

You know you're getting up there in years when your birthday cake requires that extra box of candles....

'Gentlemen, a toast to our 4th fishing trip this year. Perhaps, one day, we'll remember to bring poles, in addition to beer.'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."