Midlife Wanderlust Gifts

"I need to leave you and the children and go to Tahiti if I'm ever going to be a truly great accountant."

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

Speedo Limit: 21 Years

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"I'm pretty sure the middle-aged upper-arm jiggle is the one thing there's not a niche market for."

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Altar Ego

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

Lawrence of Suburbia

"Aren't you going to ask me if I've forgotten anything?"

'Don't know what's wrong with it. Just doesn't seem to attract women anymore.'

"Still getting those hot flashes, Margaret?"

He comes by sometimes to tell me he quit my job, bought a convertible and is going to open a brewpub. Midlife crisis actor.

Parkour for the over-40s.

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

A sign hangs from the front of the Sunnyvale Nudist Camp - 'Join Today - 100% Off!'

'FYI, Stevens, nobody likes a middle-aged slacker.'

'Why couldn't your father have a normal midlife crisis, buy a convertible, or even have an affair with some young bimbo?'

'My husband is one of those born again bikers.'

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece

Male Mid-Life Myth--The Hair Fairy

"I signed up for 'Dressage Without the Horse.'"

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

'He's going through a phase of wanting to be a grape again.'

'I've decided to stay in bed till lunchtime to see if I feel like a teenager again.'

"Imagine yourself: driving up the coast, the top down, tears streaming down your face because your wife had no choice but to kick you out, this time for good."

Our secret midlife crisis fling is still on track for June of 2018. Almost. Almost? That's right. You're not exactly doing your part. Where are the tattoos I designed for you? Where are the six-pack abs? If you'd been following the meal and workout plan I sent you, you'd have six-pack abs by now. you were serious about -- Have you even started the Rosetta Stone French lessons I gifted you? The pillow talk is supposed to be in French. Can't we just use Google translate? Beep beep. Unacceptable. D

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Dear Meanie, You should admit that it's a little late to worry about your "midlife crisis." We all know you dealt with that a while ago ... by having a wild fling with a dinosaur. Which is probably the real reason they went extinct. - Evelyn W. Seattle, WA. P.S. Be nice to Rudy!! I'd like to point out two things: (1) I am part Tyrannos

J.P. Dogsbody

"An olive or a twist?"

"Please tell me you're not going dapper in your old age."

"$100 for speeding and $250 for misleading the public."