Middle-aged Mischief Maker Gifts

"I can't remember the last time I ran my fingers through your hair."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Bad dog."

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

Only a penny! A sensible and ingenious toy for children.

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

'But he qualifies for medicare in dog years.'

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

'Mom! -- Jeffrey's pimping the wall!'

Teacher to student: 'Nice use of glitter, but you were assigned to do math problems.'

Death Photobombs a Holiday

'How was your day Ma?. . .'

Pensioners run riot on mobility scooters.

Artist gets pooped on by lots of birds.

Child jumping on a table-tennis table.

Old Golfers never die...only those who get in their buggies way!

"...And I cheated at solitaire...twice."

'All right, who broketh the window!'

People, come on, connect the dots...NOT THOSE DOTS!

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

"No, no, no! My old 45 records do not belong in the craft box!"

"Do not feel bad - violence is acceptable when the purpose of the toy is its own destruction."

"Just think, in dog years we'd be old enough to know better!"

"As you can see, we allowed you to bring your cell phones; however, this is hell, so even local calls will be charged as roaming."

"Great, I just made my last mortgage payment!"

'Grandma says she has the perfect wrestler nickname for me. What does Tiny Terror mean?'

'Norman, why is it you're the one who always gets detention.'

'-and leave the money in used notes in the left luggage department...'

'I just got off the phone with your teacher. Next time you tell her you're from a 'broken home' don't forget to mention who broke most of it!'

"Whoopsie! I accidentally speed dialed the stripper cops instead of the real cops."

"The meeting was cancelled after an outbreak of contagious giggling."

'Does anyone have any serious questions to raise regarding the first pack of my holiday snaps?'