Menu Humor Aficionados Gifts

"I'll have the crescent-crab 'purses' and the smoked duck 'hash' – hold the quotation marks."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

Punkcakes

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'This week, the secret ingredient on Iron chef is . . . Iron. Good luck, suckas.'

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

"You're losing your everything."

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

'How did you get your pastry so thin?' Steam roller.

'Of course, the peas are fresh. I personally opened the can myself.'

"The chef informs me that, while the salmon is farm raised, the garnish is indeed feral."

Armstrong, we're out of napkins. Now we're not. Have you checked where we keep the spares? What spares? The ones in the round pantry. Are you referring to the trash can? You say "tomatoes," I say "organic multivitamins for sale."

This fly's backstroke is atrocious. It will be reflected in his tip.

"Oh waiter! Will you pass me the anticoagulant please?"

'Tch! We're not eating Mexican again, are we?' 'Well, I'd look pretty silly going into an Italian restaurant dressed like this.'

'What's the soup of the day?' 'Heinz.'

"Expect a generous gratuity on table 9...I hacked his tip calculator."

'Take no notice, I fired him ten minutes ago.'

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

'How about a drink?' 'You've got gravy.'

In the Steinberg fridge, this romance just wasn't meant to be.

"What wine would you recommend to go with male chauvinist pork?"

'Can't you read?'

"Waiter, there are no flies in my soup."

"You're a very interesting waiter, but don't you have any other tables to take care of?"

'All dishes without ft...without salt...without sugar.'

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'