Memory-focused Humorist Gifts

'Don't distract me now: I have only a few seconds to text myself a reminder before I forget...'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Right here's fine."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"The Eggsorcist"

The discovery of asparagus.

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

The Fall of Gnome

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'We need to have a shake-up!'