Memory-focused Humorist T-Shirts

'Don't distract me now: I have only a few seconds to text myself a reminder before I forget...'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Middle-Age Superheroes

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

It isn't widely known that Michelangelo was the first in a long line of cartoonists to buck the family tradition.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"The Eggsorcist"

"Right here's fine."

What's an Imax cave?

The discovery of asparagus.

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Why did we run out of wine?! I'll tell you why...Mary's son brought 12 of his friends who crashed the wedding party! That's why!"

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

The Fall of Gnome

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

This side is the gag reel.

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

"When I said make it RIGHT, I meant correctly."

'We need to have a shake-up!'