Meet-the-parents Humorist Gifts

'Mom, Dad. . . this is Tiffany. She does scream-overs for ***** movies.'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

The Wright brothers discover the first nightmare flight

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'