Medieval Manuscript Master Gifts

'Hold the front page, Brother Cuthbert!'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"Still suffering from writer's block?"

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

'My manuscript is available for download on the internet. I'll email the link to you.'

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

A monk illustrates a manuscript with emojis

Amimated illuminated Manuscript

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

The Archbishops says to stop adding emoticons.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'Thank you for your submission. If we're interested, we'll be in touch.'

"They have a wonderful author-editor relationship."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Monk Mistake

Bureau of Red Tape

'It's not enough that you want to publish it, you must beg for it.'

"It needs a lot of editing."

"Sure, if this was New York, I'd be your editor and you'd be the author - but this is L.A., so I'm your agent and you're the whatever."