Medieval Manuscript Master Gifts

'Hold the front page, Brother Cuthbert!'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"Still suffering from writer's block?"

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'My manuscript is available for download on the internet. I'll email the link to you.'

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

A monk illustrates a manuscript with emojis

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

Amimated illuminated Manuscript

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

"They have a wonderful author-editor relationship."

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'It's not enough that you want to publish it, you must beg for it.'

Monk Mistake

"For his next picture, my client wants creative control, script approval, and a percentage of the gross. Is that clear?"

Bureau of Red Tape

"It needs a lot of editing."

"Sure, if this was New York, I'd be your editor and you'd be the author - but this is L.A., so I'm your agent and you're the whatever."