Medicine Mix-up Enthusiast Gifts

If these are your medications, what happened to the beads I bought?

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'You're right...these are your hormone pills. Thank goodness we noticed before anything serious happened.'

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

'We operated just in time. Another two days and you have got better on your own.'

'I suppose you're going to tell me I need new contact lenses.'

'The medical society says yes, the hospital says maybe and his lawyer says no.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'Breast implants? There must be some mistake. I have you down for knee surgery not breast implants!'

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

'But I only came in to have my appendix out!'

Morty likes a holistic approach... sex, cigarettes, pillow talk and then death.

'Side effects? You have to worry about side effects?'

'Well I'm blowed if I know what any of this means!'

'You came through the delivery with flying colors, Mrs. Lewis.'

"I'm telling you, Hutchins. It's 'Feed a fever. Starve a cold.'"

'Now this quack wants me to see a specialist- what the hell is a PATHOLOGIST'

'Wait a minute! Didn't I see you on 'Funniest Medical Bloopers and Blunders'?'

'That's one ugly side effect'!

"I see that cream doesn't seem to be working..."

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

I don't know what it is, but it's a textbook case of something.

"We might be dealing with something a little more serious than Bird flu here."

'Oh my god... oh my god...'