Medicine Fan Pillows

"Oh, here's the problem. He's got a doohickey on his thingamabob."

"Not only pharmaceuticals - we're also finding all sorts of industrial chemicals here."

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

Prescriptions: "Jack of Clubs?"

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

'The FDA now requires that we have an actor show you what kinds of side effects you might experience.'

'Like I said - It's non invasive surgery.'

Drug vending machines at hospital.

"Trepanning for gold"

"For the perfect sedative, take the juice from a bottle of whisky..."

'The $39.95 is for the prescription, sir, and the $7 surcharge is a little something for our handwriting expert.'

'Drugs' 'Viruses'.

Obstetrics.

Operation Tattoo

"He thinks he's invented a fluted, or grooved, top for pill bottles so that he can tip out a single pill rather than have a cascade of them rolling about on the kitchen or bathroom floor."

From now on, the rats that get steroids don't have to run the maze.

Vaccine race

'First Rogaine, now Viagra'

"The good news is your weight and cholesterol are stable. The bad news is the research has changed."

'Gesundheit! You must have an uncommon cold.'

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

'I should try the polyclinic, sir.'

'Side effects? You have to worry about side effects?'

'I had a great time tonight. I'd like to see you again in about six months.'

"These have severe side effects but they may not have enough time to bother you."

Freak Accident Specialist

'He says he makes house calls, and he'll be over as soon as he gets his horse back from the blacksmith.'

"Take one three times a day after meals."

You've probably heard of "White Coat Syndrome," the phenomenon in which patients exhibit a high blood pressure level in a clinical setting, even though they don't in other settings. Well, you won't get away with that here.

"Well it's not so much an ITCH, more a slight irritation, what could it be?"

'What do you recommend for the collecting bug?'

'I need a cheap wonder drug.'

'Grover, I believe you've reached your expiration date.'

'No, there is no such thing as generic doctors!'