Medication Wisecracker Pillows

'What goes good with white pills?'

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"I was able to consolidate all your prescriptions into a single pill."

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"Our psychopharmacologist is a genius."

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'Thyme heals all wounds.'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

"To be honest, most of our work involves reassuring patients until nature cures them..."

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

Doctor with pump: 'Hold on a second while I inflate his ego.'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'